I coach a lot of women who struggle with putting themselves on their “list”, let alone at the top of their list. Perhaps you know THE list I am speaking of quite well. The one where everything and everyone else comes first.
I want you to please consider that when we constantly do and constantly give, we set ourselves up for feeling exhausted, depleted, angry, not heard, even resentful.
It’s not that we intentionally set ourselves up for these feelings, it happens subtly over time. And before we know it, we have lost a very vital piece of ourselves. A piece we need to feel whole within ourselves. It’s the piece where self-love resides. Self-love means that we need to place ourselves on our list and frankly at the top of the list. Wait what?! Yes, the top of the list. You heard me right.
It may take some time and practice to do this because we are not used to it. Or we may believe that if we take time for ourselves that means we are being selfish. And selfish is simply unacceptable.
So, let’s talk about the word selfish for a moment. Selfish does not mean that we are awful narcistic people (although our culture has us trained to believe that and to be fair some people are completely self-absorbed). From my view, it simply means that we need to take great care of ourselves. When we take care of ourselves, we actually have more energy to give to others.
So how did we get ourselves into this place of over-doing and over-giving to begin with? Early programming is a big part of it. It’s what we were taught by our parents, culture, society and institutions and our personality plays a part especially if you are highly empathic. We want to give by our nature and because were told that is what “good” people do. The reality though is that we need to keep “give and take” in balance, just as we need balance in everything. Relationships are all about give and take, otherwise it is not a relationship – it’s just a one-way street.
Now some may say yeah but Cindy I have kids or elder parents to take care of and I have to give them everything I have because they cannot do for themselves. Well, NO, you do not. This is where taking care of yourself needs to be a priority. I cannot say it enough. Think about when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant gives instructions for what to do when the oxygen masks drop. What do they say? Place the mask on yourself first. Why? so that you do not languish and so you can then help others in need.
I have seen far too many friends (and I must include myself here) that over-gave, over-did to the point of exhaustion because we believed that it was the right thing to do – only to have our own health and well-being affected. You are no good to anyone if you do not have your health – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So how do we fill ourselves back up? Self-care is the key critical component for this to occur.
This means actively managing our behaviors to promote health and well-being. It means deliberately replenishing and nourishing ourselves to stay balanced body, mind and spirit. Choosing healthy foods to eat, getting enough rest and alone time, setting strong healthy boundaries with others, and getting enough exercise all contribute to filling ourselves up in a healthy way.
It also means asking for help and getting the support you need when you need it. And yet I can already hear some saying I can’t ask for help Cindy! If I do that, it means I am a slacker, a failure or I am weak. Again, these are all learned limiting beliefs that can be unlearned.
Ask yourself what is it costing me to over-do to over-give? Is it worth sacrificing my health and well-being?
Isn’t it time to put yourself at the top of your list? Yes, it is! You can do it and if you need help, you know where to find me. 😊