Recently I started a Healing Circle group. It is a small group of special ladies that I know from various aspects of my life. The Healing Circle is a way for me to share my knowledge in yoga, energy healing and life coaching and to introduce some new tools and that I plan to bring into my business practice.
Currently we are focusing on some teachings and techniques from Margaret Lynch and Anodea Judith related to the Chakra system. If you are wondering, what IS a chakra? let me take a few moments to provide you with some background. A chakra (Sanskrit for wheel or disc) is an energy center that is arranged vertically along the spine. There are 7 main chakras and each chakra is associated with particular functions within the body and with specific life issues. Chakras are sites where we receive, absorb and distribute life energies. The chakras start at the base of the spine and go up to the crown of the head.
Our group is having discussions on the 3rd chakra which is located at the solar plexus and is associated with our personal power – the center and engine for taking action. When this chakra is in balance we are confident, have good self-discipline and a positive sense of self. We are not afraid to take risks and we are able to take appropriate action at the appropriate time. The “dark” side of this chakra is built up anger, feelings of guilt, shame and “being stuck” from not expressing ourselves.
Okay back to the group and our most current session – we decided to focus on anger. We talked about the ways anger shows up for us and how we recognize it (physically in particular-heart rate-breathing-tearing up, self-pity) and how we “react” to it – tuck, hold grudges, explode, and bitch behind the scenes to name a few. We also talked about how we control our anger and how the form of control/reaction is dependent on the recipient of our anger – family, friends, work colleagues, and social injustices. One of the actions/concepts the group decided to explore further is how best to reframe how we think about anger and further looking at responding vs reacting to anger and in the moment vs after the fact.
We talked about ways to reframe anger so that we can better “respond” rather than “react” to it in the moment. Some of the ways we discussed included:
- taking a breath/pause to settle down the reactive state
- being still – take time to sit, listen and be comfortable in silence to be able to respond slowly and thoughtfully
- removing ourselves from the situation – move to a different place in the room or get out of the room entirely
- using mirror talk – actively listening vs being on the defense and having a retort ready to go in our heads
- visualizations – see a calming vista – or building a bridge
- voicing “the story I’m telling myself
- seeking professional help if needed
We then turned our focus to feelings of guilt and where guilt comes up for us. It was discovered guilt comes up most often when we start “shoulding” on ourselves. OH NOOO NOT THE “SHOULDS AND “SHOULDING ON OURSELVES?! We ended our discussion this week with some homework to bring back our number one “shoulding” should and what action we think is needed to stop all this shoulding on ourselves. And while the group is now on assignment, let me take a few more moments of your time to explore with you some of the concepts of shoulds and shoulding that you may find interesting.
So how does “shoulding” impact us and how can we restore ourselves and come back into balance? Let’s explore what shoulding is by starting with the definition of should.
By definition, should is a word used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions. Should may also have a neutral or positive meaning, such as indicating a desirable action or expected state.
Shoulds are born and develop from expectations, messaging and beliefs we receive from our family tribe, friends and/or the workplace. They can be based on gender, generation, country and/or the culture for which you were born into. There are some that say shoulds can be beneficial when they are meant to guide and develop positive habits or pursuing a worthwhile goal. My take is that “shoulds” are never in a positive light. There is always a form of scolding going on whether to yourself or to someone else. We need to make a decision to do or not do – yes or no. We can reframe our shoulds for any occasion simply by recognizing the should.
“Shoulding” is the accumulation of shoulds and is associated with criticism, judgements and unmet expectations. It is when we tell ourselves that we “have to” do something, no matter if it aligns with our values and goals or not. Shoulding is something we do to ourselves, to others, and others do to us. It is all about placing judgments on how we should act, what choices we should make, how we should be in a relationship, how we should live our lives – the list goes on and on. When we should against ourselves or someone else, we are often saying is we or they do not measure up to our expectations.
After a while all this shoulding feels like a heavy boulder we carry on our shoulders. The boulder gets heavier and heavier with each continued or new judgment we place against ourselves or others. It leads to feelings of disappointment, not measuring up, low self-esteem, weak boundaries and, over extended periods of time can contribute to depression.
Okay that is a lot to digest! The good thing is once we begin to recognize and acknowledge the shoulds that are making us feel insecure about our choices, disempowering us and making us think that we have to, must, need or ought to do certain things out of duty, obligation or compulsion, we can begin to question, tease out, and clarify the actions we need to take to heal and stop shoulding on ourselves.
Whether your shoulds are a simple distraction, an annoyance, a procrastination technique, or a circumstance that requires making tough decisions, changes or actions, working with a coach can help guide you through and resolve them.
If you would like to start your own Healing Circle working with me as your group coach to facilitate these types of discussions and more, please contact me-Cindy at 585-703-9244 or emaiI [email protected] I would be honored to support your journey.