Communication has been the topic of conversation lately – it seems so many of us (myself included) are not communicating in a way that fully expresses how we feel, who we are and what we need. Today I want to share some tips on how to be heard by your partner (or anyone you converse with for that matter).
Communication is vital in any relationship, but sometimes it can be challenging to get your point across or feel like you are being listened to.
Here are some things you can do to improve your communication skills and help the person you are conversing with “hear” what you have to say.
– Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This way, you can express your feelings and needs without blaming, shaming or accusing. For example, instead of saying “You never help me with the chores”, you can say “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do all the chores by myself”.
– Choose a good time and place to talk. Don’t try to have a serious conversation when you or your partner is busy, distracted, tired or feeling agitated. Find a time when you both can focus on each other and have some privacy. Avoid places that are noisy, crowded, or stressful.
– Listen actively and empathetically. Communication is a two-way street, so you need to pay attention to what your partner is saying and show that you care. Come to the conversation with an open heart and feeling grounded within yourself. Don’t interrupt, judge, criticize or be on the defensive. As that will get you nowhere fast! Repeat back what they say, ask questions if you need clarification and let them know you can understand their perspective and see how they may be feeling.
– Be respectful and honest. Respect your partner’s opinions and feelings, even if they are different from yours. Don’t lie, manipulate, or hide things from them. Be open and honest about what you want and need from the relationship. Don’t expect them to read your mind or guess what you are thinking.
– Compromise and cooperate. Sometimes you and your partner may disagree or have different views and preferences. That’s normal and healthy in a relationship, as long as you can find a way to work together and meet each other’s needs. Don’t try to win an argument or prove that you are right. This never works well in the long run. Instead, look for a solution that works for both of you and makes you both happy. This may also mean that sometimes you have to push the “pause” button on a conversation, especially, if emotions start to take it over. There is nothing worse than having a highly charged conversation where words get said that are hurtful. Better to agree to come back together when you both feel centered.
It takes practice, persistence and patience and it is so worth it.
When we come to each conversation and hold space in a loving manner, we can create long lasting relationships that feel safe, solid and enormously fulfilling.
Recommended reading for couples – Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.