Hey, ladies! Can we talk about what I refer to as “sorry sickness”? I mean how many of you find yourself saying “I’m sorry” all the time, even when you have nothing to apologize for? Are you saying sorry to be polite and humble? Do you find you say sorry at the expense of your own confidence and self-esteem? If you answered yes, you’re not alone. Many women I work with struggle with letting go of the habit of saying sorry for everything, from asking a question -to expressing an opinion -to simply taking up space.
So why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to apologize for being ourselves? There are many REAL and VALID reasons, such as early programming, social conditioning, gender stereotypes, fear of rejection, lack of confidence & self-worth etc. But whatever the cause, the ending result is the same: we undermine our own authority, our credibility, and our personal power by saying sorry when we don’t need to.
So how can we break this cycle and start letting go of saying sorry all the time? Here are some tips that might help you:
– Bring it into your awareness (this is always first and foremost in my opinion). When saying sorry is habitual and you want to stop, it’s time to tune in and start recognizing when you’re saying sorry unnecessarily. Pay close attention to how often you say it and in what situations. Ask yourself …Is it really warranted?… or are you just trying to avoid conflict, criticism, or judgment? Are you apologizing for something that’s not your fault or responsibility? Are you saying sorry for having feelings, needs, or preferences? If you catch yourself saying sorry for no good reason, stop and ask yourself: what am I really trying to say?
– Reframe your language and replace sorry with something else, something more positive and assertive. Rather than saying sorry, opt to start saying thank you or ask a question or show appreciation. You can replace saying “Sorry for being late”, with “Thank you for waiting for me”; revise “Sorry for interrupting”, to “Can I ask you something?” and rephrase saying “Sorry for being a bother”, to “I appreciate your help”. By reframing your language, you can change your mindset. You are able show more respect for yourself and others and most importantly take back your personal power.
– Practice self-compassion. Sometimes we say sorry because we feel guilty, ashamed, or unworthy. We think we have to apologize for who we are or what we want. But that is absolutely NOT true. You are enough. And YES, you are worthy. You don’t have to apologize for being human. Instead of beating yourself up, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, celebrate your strengths, and embrace your uniqueness. You do not have to be perfect to be loved and accepted. Simply, treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Imagine that your friend is going through the same situation as you are. What would you say to them? How would you comfort them? How would you encourage them? Now say those things to yourself. Use positive statements that affirm your worthiness, your abilities, and your potential. This will help you overcome negative thoughts and feelings and boost your confidence and self-esteem. Some of my favorite positive affirmations are: “I did it”, “I’m awesome”, “I’m amazing”, “I’m a rockstar”, “I can handle anything that comes my way”, “I am proud of myself”.
– Practice gratitude. Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for what you have and what you experience. It can help you focus on the positive aspects of your life and reduce stress and anxiety. A simple way to start a gratitude practice is to write down three things that you are grateful for every day. You can also take time to express your gratitude to someone who has helped you or made you happy. My personal favorite ways to express gratitude are to soak in the beauty of nature and its magnificence and writing surprise thank you love notes to my husband.
– Be mindful. Mindfulness is the state of being aware of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and surroundings in the present moment without judging them or reacting to them. It helps you to calm your mind and body so that you are better equipped to cope with difficult emotions. And there are many ways to practice mindfulness like being in nature; meditating; breathing deeply; doing yoga; listening to music; paying attention to your senses; observing your thoughts and feelings without attaching to them.
– Be confident and assertive. Sometimes we say sorry because we’re afraid of how others will react to us. We’re afraid they will get angry, offended, or hurt by our words or actions. We don’t want to cause trouble or make waves. But that’s not healthy or helpful. You have the right to express yourself, to stand up for yourself, and to set boundaries. You don’t have to please everyone or agree with everyone. You can disagree without being disagreeable. You can be honest without being rude. You can be confident without being arrogant. And being assertive doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive or pushy. It just means you need to be clear, direct, and respectful of yourself and others. I find using “I” statements instead of “you” statements are extremely effective when engaging with others. You’ll want to state your needs and preferences clearly and calmly and say “no” when you need to. It is important to ask for what you want or need and to give and receive feedback constructively. You can respect others’ opinions and rights, but you also need to stand up for yourself when you’re treated unfairly. Here are some examples of being assertive in different situations:
At work: If your boss assigns you more work than you can handle, say “I appreciate your trust in me, but I’m already working on several projects with tight deadlines. Can we prioritize them together or delegate some tasks to someone else?”
At home: If your partner expects you to do all the household chores, say “I know you’re busy too, but I need your help with keeping our home clean and organized. Can we split the chores evenly or make a schedule that works for both of us?”
With friends: If your friend asks you to lend them money again, say “I’m sorry, but I can’t lend you any more money until you pay me back what you owe me. I value our friendship, but I also have my own financial obligations and goals.”
Remember that saying sorry is not always a bad thing. There are times when saying sorry is completely appropriate and necessary. When you’ve hurt someone or you’ve broken a promise, or when you’ve violated a trust. Saying sorry in these situations shows that you care, that you take responsibility, and that you want to make amends. Saying sorry in these situations is a sign of strength, not weakness.
The bottom line is: Saying sorry all the time can have negative consequences for your self-esteem, your relationships, and your career. Instead of saying sorry, say what you really mean and what you really want. Be authentic, be respectful, be confident. And let go of saying sorry all the time, let go of the “sorry sickness”, let yourself heal and feel empowered to be you.