What does it mean to strive and never arrive? It’s a “hidden” cycle, a common pattern for those of us who hold ourselves to very high standards. It is the tendency to set unrealistically high standards for oneself and others, and to be hyper-critical of any flaws or mistakes. In other words, it means being perfect.
But there is no such thing as “perfect” in this day and age of self-development right?! Why is it then that so many people still operate with an inner belief that if they try harder to be better, to be the best, to be perfect their lives will be so much better?
It may seem logical to try to do everything perfectly but there is a huge downside to having this hidden cycle of striving. When you live in this pattern you tell the Universe…
- I’m not perfect YET, so I do not deserve any rewards until I get it right
- I don’t deserve attention or praise
- I don’t deserve respect or the “cred”
- I don’t deserve it because I’m not perfect YET
Striving to be perfect means you’ll always strive, but never arrive at the point that satisfies you enough to believe you deserve “rewards” (money, love, cred, etc.). In addition, every goal you set and every action you take toward that goal will increase the pressure that everything must be done perfectly. And when you don’t achieve it, you’ll suffer an internal barrage of “I could have been better”.
Perfectionism is not a trait that you are born with. It is a learned behavior, it starts with early programming. Take a moment and think back…did you have a parent, care-giver or family member who could never be fully pleased because nothing was ever good enough or measure up to their standards? And/or perhaps later in life you worked for someone who had these same beliefs? It’s an environment that creates self-doubt and anxiety around taking action. The inner cycle of striving will create fear and constant second-guessing that immobilizes many brilliant people from getting started or finishing what they start.
I personally struggled in this cycle for years. My mindset was do more be more do more be more until I experienced a heart-breaking event that led me to see how much energy I was expending in this cycle. When I started doing my own inner work, I came to the realization that I had developed a limiting belief that I wasn’t lovable unless I was perfect. Through the inner work, I began to see how this belief left me feeling exhausted and empty inside. It was not serving me or my family well. In fact, the costs were HUGE! I realized how much of my personal power I gave away all the time. How it affected my confidence and self-esteem. Each time I unconsciously gave away my power, it took a piece of my soul.
The good news is that you can shift your mindset and change your pattern of striving and never arriving to a belief that honors how much you deserve right now in this moment -not when you earn it someday. Breaking the cycle begins with awareness, becoming conscious of the pattern, where it started and its costs to you. It takes time, practice and patience. And yes! it can be done!
Here are some steps that you can take to overcome perfectionism and embrace all of you:
– Recognize your perfectionist thoughts and challenge them. For example, if you think “I have to do everything perfectly or I will fail”, ask yourself “Is this really true? What is the worst that could happen if I make a mistake? How can I learn from it?”
– Set realistic and attainable goals for yourself and celebrate your PROGRESS. For example, if you want to write a blog post, break it down into smaller tasks and reward yourself for completing each one. Don’t focus on the final outcome, but on the process and the effort that you put into it.
– Practice self-compassion and kindness. For example, if you feel disappointed or frustrated with yourself, don’t beat yourself up or compare yourself to others. Instead, acknowledge your feelings and remind yourself that you are human and you are doing your best. Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend.
– Seek feedback and support from others. For example, if you are unsure about your work or performance, ask for constructive criticism and advice from someone you trust. Don’t be afraid to admit your weaknesses or ask for help. Remember that nobody is perfect, we are perfectly imperfect, it’s part of being human and everyone has something to learn.
– Enjoy the journey and have fun. For example, if you are working on a project or a hobby, don’t let perfectionism rob you of the joy and satisfaction that comes from creating something. Experiment, explore, play, and have fun with it. Don’t take yourself too seriously and laugh at your mistakes.
I hope these tips will help you overcome the downsides of perfectionism, get out of the cycle of striving yet never arriving, and EMBRACE all of you. Remember that you are not alone in this. And if this is an area you struggle with, you can always reach out to me or others for support. You are amazing, you are awesome and a Rockstar just the way you are!